An Excerpt of Closure by My Teenage Self


     How many times will we cross paths without touching? Then again, I suppose I am rather encountering the remnants of you. This place feels like a ghost town when I am not riding in your passenger seat. Although, I am improving at rewriting the narrative and reclaiming what I let you borrow.

I am better now. Hearing your name doesn’t make me as sore as it used to. Nonetheless, healing is not linear. Last week, I furiously resented you. Two hours ago, I laid paralyzed in my bed, listening to the fireworks outside of my window. Did it perplex you to fathom the depth of my love towards such an unloveable creature? It befuddles me, too.

     I have fallen out of love with you. It took a painstaking amount of time. It might have happened sooner if I chose not to feel it all. I realized I was a bird perched in a cage with the door wide open. Despite this, I feel for you in an unexplainable manner. How strange for a writer to fail to articulate a phenomenon. Don’t try to, it will madden you even further.

     To put it the best way I can manage: I am both repulsed and in awe of you. I am rendered confused at your dismissal for my former admiration, but even more so at my willingness to give it to such an undeserving person.

     I am still unpacking what you put me through every day of my life. It was a paradox; as I became familiar to you, the greater, and less, I loved you. I often have epiphanies regarding your nature. Unfortunately, I know exactly why you are the way you have turned out to be; it perpetuates my acceptance for you. It allows me to forgive you.

     I will never stop rooting for your growth. Underneath the vindictiveness, narcissism, anger, and facades, there is a young boy who never received love. As a result, he is clueless in how to give it away. But I believe in him, and I believe in the ability to alter your deck, no matter what cards were dealt. I believe in you.

     I hope that our paths may physically cross again. Maybe I will see you at the county fair, or at the grocery store, or on a beach in a different country. I hope to catch up, but briefly. You will never again have access to me at your demand. 

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